Sometimes I just wish my friends from home would miss me. I don’t know, maybe they do but they sure don’t act like it. Most of them can’t spare two minutes to chat online and even when we set up Skype dates, they just blow them off. I don’t want to sound like I think everything is always about me…I don’t. It’s just that sometimes I have a hard time being so far away for so long–it would just be nice. Last semester I had a best friend study abroad in Ecuador. She didn’t enjoy it too much and I tried to always be there for her if she wanted someone to talk to/bitch to and I would try to let her know that I was thinking about her. I even do that now with my friends back home–and most of the time they don’t even respond. It just really sucks. I am having a good time here (I definitely need to start doing more) but I still miss home a lot. And most of all I miss my friends and family. I have friends here but it feels like freshman year–you make a lot of friends because everyone is in the same boat, all looking for friends and you’re not picky and when second semester comes around, you start to weed out the people that you aren’t actually friends with. Most of my friends from school I’ve had since freshman year but I don’t talk to half of them anymore. We just don’t have much in common. I feel like I’m starting to feel that way here–not that I have many options around here. My mom always says that you can do anything for four months–it’s one semester and I can handle anything for that small amount of time. I just miss home and my family and my friends–I just wish I was missed too.
I have a really really really bad habit of putting things off until the last possible moment. I wish I could be one of those people that live today because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I can be really lazy sometimes and always think, I’ll just do that tomorrow. For school I got into the really bad habit of starting my papers at 1 am the morning before it was due…even if it was a 10 page paper. My worst moment had to be the weekend I had to write 50 pages! (Even though I had the whole semester to work on it.) My freshman roommate was the same way so we would just stay up all night together getting things done by pulling all nighters (we would stay awake for one another for support) but I’ve just been getting worse each year.
Well I’m trying to get out of the habit–I really am. (And for once, I’m not using my blog or facebook or email as a way to procrastinate!) So I figured that I was going to do my paper this weekend that is due later this week. AND I DID IT! I had time to watch my movie (the entire thing), outline, write, edit and rewrite. Let me tell you, this was the first time I’ve done that almost all four years of college (well the last three–it’s still the beginning of the fourth) and it felt so good! I hope that I can keep this up for the whole semester (and next semester too!)
I don’t know what is going on with me but I feel like I’m always tired. I’m spending my semester abroad in Italy and I want to spend most of my free time exploring and traveling but I’ve been here a month and haven’t really done very much. I spend a lot of time sleeping and watching my TV shows from America (granted I feel uncomfortable being out late because of the creepy Italian men that keep trying to talk to me so I don’t mind doing these things at night) but I want to be out doing things. I need to start planning everything so it’s not all stressful last minute and I hope to get this done this weekend. Hopefully I can get myself out of this rut that I’ve gotten myself into soon because I want to be able to take every advantage of this opportunity that I possibly can. I don’t want to look back at this semester and wish that I had done all these things that I just “didn’t have time for.”
Ok it’s not like this is a big deal or anything but it’s kinda the first time that I’m actually saying these words even though I’ve thought them a lot the last few years.
The story is about this guy that I’ve liked for a long, long time now. We have become really good friends over the past few years but my feelings for him haven’t every really gone away. I’ve never had a boyfriend and part of it is because I don’t want one–the drama of having someone always around would drive me crazy–but part of it is because I don’t feel comfortable with who I am. I’m uncomfortable with my body (even when I try to shape up, it doesn’t seem to do very much and I try really hard) but that’s beside the point. See I think that things between us could work out really good–we have similar interests, the same irritating people get on our nerves, we can both be very difficult and stubborn but we also are able to just have such a great time just hanging out and talking about anything.
One of the biggest draws to him, is his love for Disney and Pixar–most guys would think it was stupid that I still love this stuff but he actually sends me messages saying that I should come home so we can go see this movie or that (most recent being the new Winnie the Pooh movie). We even went to see Up together a few years ago and I seriously wish that he could be the Carl to my Ellie. I got him a bunch of Up things when he graduated high school (even a stuffed animal Dug which he actually brought to college with him!) and I don’t know, I’ve just always felt that we had a special connection. Part of me thinks that maybe we’ve just been friends too long and it would just be awkward for either of us to say something. I would say something (and I’ve definitely already sent some drunk texts that say a lot of it) but I’m too afraid that it might ruin our friendship.
You know sometimes I just wish someone else could say something to him. If things got weird you just blame it on the messenger and let things settle down and everything would be back to normal soon enough–and I would at least know where he stands. There is just so many back and forth hints that make me second guess almost every move. It’s not really a great way to live but then part of me thinks that this is a really bad point in my life to try and figure things out with this guy. We both go to different colleges (I’m actually studying abroad for the year) and then I’m graduating in May. I don’t know what the real world is gonna throw at me. I don’t know where I’ll be living (probably Australia or Los Angeles) and he’d still be on the east coast. I don’t think that a long distance relationship would be a great way to start things.
I always think that the good things are worth the wait but part of me feels that I would hate to end up with him years down the road and always wonder why we didn’t get together sooner. Maybe I spend too much time thinking about it but he’s the only guy that has even made me feel this way. I mean yeah sure, I’ve had crushes on some other guys but none of them have made me feel like this. I guess sooner or later things have to change and I’ll move along but it would be really great if he just knew how I felt.
I haven’t been back to school for even a month yet and I’m already over the school year! My Italian class was fun to begin with but I’m having a hard time keeping up with her sometimes. She is all over the place and looks at you like you have 10 heads when you don’t understand what she’s saying–it’s beginners Italian! My Renaissance art history class is fine for the first hour but then unbearable during the last hour and a half. And then 30 minutes later, I have hidden messages in Italian Renaissance art–with the same professor. I actually really like the class but I get a little restless because of the previous class. And my professor is Italian so it can be very difficult to understand what he’s saying. But those are the good classes compared to my Italian cinema and Italian broadcast classes. I love learning about international film studies but the professor really irritates me sometimes. When he is lecturing about the cinematic history, he’s fine. But then we screen a film and he talks through the ENTIRE film. I like to notice things on my own and I like to just be left alone to watch a movie. I could have really enjoyed that movie but I checked out after he talked through the first 10 minutes and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. So that leaves my Italian broadcast class–it’s kind of a joke. I can’t follow what the professor is talking about half the time–I don’t think he even knows half the time. Plus neither one of these guys can figure out how to work the damn computer…I mean COME ON! It’s powerpoint and VLC–it’s not that complicated. You can’t figure out how to do the same thing you do every week. AHHHHH Also…side note–I have a really hard time concentrating because I have friends that either try to draw on my notes, talks to me during class or they play incessantly with their hair while sitting in front of me. Ahhh. Ok rant over for now.
“There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t that way because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it’s impossible to fix them.”
I’ve been doing so much soul searching and trying to improve my personal wellbeing the past year or so. I think it’s been going well–I’ve been feeling much better about myself and others around me. So my next goal is to try and stop judging others. I feel like I try really hard not to jump to conclusions and to wait until I get to know a person before making any real decisions about them but I’m not perfect. I think I assume that everyone just makes a judgment about me before getting to know me and in return I make a snap judgment about them. It’s time that I start to give other people a chance, hence my new goal to tackle…wish me luck!
I have spent so much time during my life hating people that have hurt me–holding grudges against old friends. I don’t really know what happened this past year but so much of me has changed. I’ve decided to let go of all this hatred in my heart and let me tell you…it feels great. I sent e-mails to two of my old best friends that I had huge falling outs with just letting them know how after all these years, I’m over it. Not in a bad way but just in the way that I’ve put everything behind me and I’m not dwelling on the past any longer. They were best friends at a time when I needed them to be and everything that has happened led to where I am now. I try not to regret anything that has happened in my life because every little decision or experience has led me here. I think I’m pretty happy with where I’m at with my life now and who knows what the world will throw at me next. I just hope that I am ready for anything.