Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve

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Ok it’s not like this is a big deal or anything but it’s kinda the first time that I’m actually saying these words even though I’ve thought them a lot the last few years.

The story is about this guy that I’ve liked for a long, long time now. We have become really good friends over the past few years but my feelings for him haven’t every really gone away. I’ve never had a boyfriend and part of it is because I don’t want one–the drama of having someone always around would drive me crazy–but part of it is because I don’t feel comfortable with who I am. I’m uncomfortable with my body (even when I try to shape up, it doesn’t seem to do very much and I try really hard) but that’s beside the point. See I think that things between us could work out really good–we have similar interests, the same irritating people get on our nerves, we can both be very difficult and stubborn but we also are able to just have such a great time just hanging out and talking about anything.

One of the biggest draws to him, is his love for Disney and Pixar–most guys would think it was stupid that I still love this stuff but he actually sends me messages saying that I should come home so we can go see this movie or that (most recent being the new Winnie the Pooh movie). We even went to see Up together a few years ago and I seriously wish that he could be the Carl to my Ellie. I got him a bunch of Up things when he graduated high school (even a stuffed animal Dug which he actually brought to college with him!) and I don’t know, I’ve just always felt that we had a special connection. Part of me thinks that maybe we’ve just been friends too long and it would just be awkward for either of us to say something. I would say something (and I’ve definitely already sent some drunk texts that say a lot of it) but I’m too afraid that it might ruin our friendship.

You know sometimes I just wish someone else could say something to him. If things got weird you just blame it on the messenger and let things settle down and everything would be back to normal soon enough–and I would at least know where he stands. There is just so many back and forth hints that make me second guess almost every move. It’s not really a great way to live but then part of me thinks that this is a really bad point in my life to try and figure things out with this guy. We both go to different colleges (I’m actually studying abroad for the year) and then I’m graduating in May. I don’t know what the real world is gonna throw at me. I don’t know where I’ll be living (probably Australia or Los Angeles) and he’d still be on the east coast. I don’t think that a long distance relationship would be a great way to start things.

I always think that the good things are worth the wait but part of me feels that I would hate to end up with him years down the road and always wonder why we didn’t get together sooner. Maybe I spend too much time thinking about it but he’s the only guy that has even made me feel this way. I mean yeah sure, I’ve had crushes on some other guys but none of them have made me feel like this. I guess sooner or later things have to change and I’ll move along but it would be really great if he just knew how I felt.

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